What is it like to be a carer?

Three hints

1.    You might not realise that you are a carer

2.    Recognising it and getting registered as one will help you and the person cared for

3.    There is help available, but you have to reach out for it

To some people who are carers, this might seem like an odd question. It needs to be asked for several reasons. Carers of older people can be family or friends. They may be older, or younger, in some cases considerably younger, than the person they are caring for.  They may be nearby or at long distance.

 Many do not know they are carers

Very many people who provide care to a relative or friend do not want to be called ‘carers’. They think that what they’re doing is just being a neighbour or being part of the family. They don’t recognise that the level of responsibility they are taking on is one that’s making a significant difference. For example, they might be the one thing that is stopping the person from having to go into care or receive other paid for help.

Also, very many people don’t even realise how much time and money they are spending because it is something that has crept up slowly over a few months or years. They start off doing a little bit here and there, and eventually become someone without whom the person cared for would not survive.  This might not be obvious until one day something happens that stops them being able to care, such an accident or illness.

Caring for a partner

If you have been in a relationship with someone all your life you won’t appreciate someone coming along and labelling the ordinary acts of daily life as ‘care’.  No one likes being labelled or put in a box, but there is a good reason to be pragmatic about this definition.

Quite a lot is known about carers and the sorts of everyday problems that they face. This includes financial problems, fatigue, and stress. Research shows who in the family is most likely to become a carer, and what the common problems are that they face. There are organisations that exist purely to support carers in the work that they do. Often there is joy in caring and huge satisfaction, but the challenges that exist are well known and there are people there to help. They can’t help you if you don’t recognise that you are a carer yourself. It is widely recognised that sometimes it takes years before you realise that your role has transformed into a caring one.

Carer for family or friends

A lot of the time, when you are a family or friendship carer, some aspects of life will not have changed from how it was before you were caring.  You are living with or caring for the same person that you have always known.  You know the sort of thing that makes them happy and relaxed.  You have a shared history.  You also know what will upset them and even set them off on a negative way of thinking or responding.  You are the expert on this person and how they live.  But even an expert needs some fresh ideas occasionally. 

The outside help that is on offer is only available to anyone defined as a carer.  Obvious examples are when health and social services talk about “carer’s allowances” and “carer’s rights.”  The language used in their regulations, laws and administration is an imposition, but it is vital to you and to the one you are caring for to take any help that is labelled in this way. It opens the door to a range of rights and possible benefits.  Anything you can do to maintain your fundamental role and position as husband, daughter, wife, son, friend, neighbour or relative is important to you and the person you care for, but if you allow yourself to be known in addition as their “carer”, it just makes your life easier.

Help is available

There is more about what it is to be in a carer in the books Dementia the One Stop Guide and in the upcoming Carers and Caring in the same series.  Some eternal caring problems are outlined there.  Other caring issues, in particular financial ones, are best addressed by looking at a website such as Turn 2 Us, which includes benefit calculators, or the Carers Trust, which can tell you about the advantage of registering as a carer and how to get support in your part of the UK.

If you would like more information, you can buy my book Dementia, the One Stop Guide or Care Homes: When, Why and How to Choose a Care Home. I am available for consultancy for families or organisations. And if you have any further queries or questions, or suggestions for something you’d like to see me write on, please contact me via the Contact Page

See my new course on Dementia the One Stop Guide on Policy Hub here